Memory 5: gaining control of his Void
Aug. 7th, 2014 10:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sixelementmudraForm: tin-foil snake with three pieces of chocolate-covered apple jelly: 2/3 (Bayan)
Bayan is having a deeply shitty day; for some reason, his vision is incredibly blurry, and he can't function in class at all. He even has to call off a tutoring session with Taban, taking some teasing for it, and when he goes down to the barracks porch his friends are there waiting for him. He's already angry and their concern just makes him angrier -- he explains that he didn't hit his head, but he's cracked his shins more times and walked into more doors than he can count. He doesn't know what Sint Esme was trying to teach him, but it hurts like anything.
Odjin and Eward ask him why he didn't tell them he went to a sint, and he snaps back that it's none of their business; with the spike of anger comes little dark spots in his vision. Except they're not just in his vision -- Calder sees them too. He threatens to strand Bayan on a cliff if he doesn't tell them what's going on*, but Bayan tries to warn them off; they're not helping. The blobs get bigger and darker as his friends keep pushing, and he says if they just go away he can calm down.
Bayan tries to walk away, but he trips over a rock and falls on his face. His friends rush over, worried, but he's furious and frustrated, lost in his rage. He yells at them to shut up and leave him alone -- and the darkness of his anger manifests in a visible whirlwind and swallows them.
Immediately he panics, losing his anger. He begs the darkness to come back and leave them alone, to stop before it kills them, but it doesn't respond; if anything, the vortex gets more intense. He tries to reach in and grab them, but even though it just feels like empty air, he can't feel anyone inside. Even getting angry again doesn't work; whatever the darkness is doesn't respond to him.
Suddenly he smells honeysuckle all around him, and hears a woman's voice, telling him to focus; he associates both things with Sint Esme. He concentrates on a single thought -- the darkness is a part of him, and that means he owns it. It's his rage, and his power; he needs it, but he's the one in control of it. That's the way it has to be, and he'll make it so.
He performs the Elemental Invocation, the first step of a spell, and the darkness freezes. The next motions create a massive tornado that blows away the blackness around his friends, revealing them crouched and panting for breath, but unhurt. He revokes his magic and feels the anger return to him -- but this time it's quiescent, attentive to him, and he knows now that it's his to control.
Calder stumbles to his feet, asking what happened, and if Bayan is all right. Bayan helps him up and realizes that his vision is back to normal; he's all right now. Odjin wants an explanation, but Bayan is distracted: for the first time in a long time, he's stopped repressing his emotions, and he's remembering how it feels to be emotionally healthy. He's thinking that he gets to live now, and remembering joys and pains and excitements he'd suppressed for years, and he sits down on the grass and cries with relief and joy.
* Anyone viewing the memory will see that Calder is seriously worried about him and dealing with it like a dumb boy (as the other two are), but it just makes Bayan madder because his rage is basically out of control at this point.
EFFECTS/WHAT HE LEARNED:
* A really sharp distinction between early Academy memories (rage and emotional repression) and later academy memories (still angry basically all the time, but emotionally healthy and in control of it)
* He gets his name back! Odjin and Calder call him by it a few times.
* The impression that he'd had trouble with his magic for a long time and in a way that might get him killed. Or his hexmates killed.
* The first time he's actually remembered doing really spectacular magic. And this was the first time he'd done it right...
* Sints are powerful but very weird.
* Repression sucks and leads to everything going out of control HEY THIS IS FAMILIAR...
Bayan is having a deeply shitty day; for some reason, his vision is incredibly blurry, and he can't function in class at all. He even has to call off a tutoring session with Taban, taking some teasing for it, and when he goes down to the barracks porch his friends are there waiting for him. He's already angry and their concern just makes him angrier -- he explains that he didn't hit his head, but he's cracked his shins more times and walked into more doors than he can count. He doesn't know what Sint Esme was trying to teach him, but it hurts like anything.
Odjin and Eward ask him why he didn't tell them he went to a sint, and he snaps back that it's none of their business; with the spike of anger comes little dark spots in his vision. Except they're not just in his vision -- Calder sees them too. He threatens to strand Bayan on a cliff if he doesn't tell them what's going on*, but Bayan tries to warn them off; they're not helping. The blobs get bigger and darker as his friends keep pushing, and he says if they just go away he can calm down.
Bayan tries to walk away, but he trips over a rock and falls on his face. His friends rush over, worried, but he's furious and frustrated, lost in his rage. He yells at them to shut up and leave him alone -- and the darkness of his anger manifests in a visible whirlwind and swallows them.
Immediately he panics, losing his anger. He begs the darkness to come back and leave them alone, to stop before it kills them, but it doesn't respond; if anything, the vortex gets more intense. He tries to reach in and grab them, but even though it just feels like empty air, he can't feel anyone inside. Even getting angry again doesn't work; whatever the darkness is doesn't respond to him.
Suddenly he smells honeysuckle all around him, and hears a woman's voice, telling him to focus; he associates both things with Sint Esme. He concentrates on a single thought -- the darkness is a part of him, and that means he owns it. It's his rage, and his power; he needs it, but he's the one in control of it. That's the way it has to be, and he'll make it so.
He performs the Elemental Invocation, the first step of a spell, and the darkness freezes. The next motions create a massive tornado that blows away the blackness around his friends, revealing them crouched and panting for breath, but unhurt. He revokes his magic and feels the anger return to him -- but this time it's quiescent, attentive to him, and he knows now that it's his to control.
Calder stumbles to his feet, asking what happened, and if Bayan is all right. Bayan helps him up and realizes that his vision is back to normal; he's all right now. Odjin wants an explanation, but Bayan is distracted: for the first time in a long time, he's stopped repressing his emotions, and he's remembering how it feels to be emotionally healthy. He's thinking that he gets to live now, and remembering joys and pains and excitements he'd suppressed for years, and he sits down on the grass and cries with relief and joy.
* Anyone viewing the memory will see that Calder is seriously worried about him and dealing with it like a dumb boy (as the other two are), but it just makes Bayan madder because his rage is basically out of control at this point.
EFFECTS/WHAT HE LEARNED:
* A really sharp distinction between early Academy memories (rage and emotional repression) and later academy memories (still angry basically all the time, but emotionally healthy and in control of it)
* He gets his name back! Odjin and Calder call him by it a few times.
* The impression that he'd had trouble with his magic for a long time and in a way that might get him killed. Or his hexmates killed.
* The first time he's actually remembered doing really spectacular magic. And this was the first time he'd done it right...
* Sints are powerful but very weird.
* Repression sucks and leads to everything going out of control HEY THIS IS FAMILIAR...
